"That Age"

Yesterday, in my Joy Rush list, I mentioned the fact that my older daughter has reached "that age" where giving me and Dad hugs just isn't cool anymore. Well, that's really only part of the story to being "that age". It turns out that 12 means has lots of advantages and an equal number of drawbacks. I wasn't fully prepared for some of the drawbacks, but more about that later.

On the up side, 12 means increased independence and a higher level of personal responsibility. She's now able to baby-sit her younger sister which means no more hiring a sitter every time I want to step out of the house. When Dad and I want a date night (and we do get a few of those here and there), we pay her, of course, but if I just want to go to the grocery store or run errands without dragging children behind me, I can just go and not worry about them.

She's taking a home economics class in school right now, and has become increasingly interested (and excited) about helping around the house. She is able to cook simple meals (good thing I like grilled cheese and scrambled eggs!), make coffee (bless you, child!!) and she even made Rice Krispy treats all by herself for dessert on Mother's Day (yummy!).

The simple fact that she doesn't have to be supervised in every activity is such a treat for me. The down side, however, has been a true shock to my system. It was bad enough when, about a month into 6th grade, she suddenly began to fight me at every turn about every little thing. I knew nothing about what she should wear or how she should do her hair, couldn't be trusted to help with her homework, and every little suggestion was met with a sarcasm that just made me want to scream. All of these things were bad enough, but what happened the other day just about put me over the edge.

(Ok, first let me say that if she ever finds her way to my blog and reads about this, I may be a dead woman, but I like to live dangerously.)

So, when I signed the girls up for their own internet accounts, I set up the parental controls so that they would send me a report of what web sites they visited, how long they spent online, who was emailing them, and I totally blocked them from IM. I got the report the other day and was not prepared for what I found...searches for topics that, quite frankly, made me blush furiously. I won't go into detail, but one of the words rhymes with "Bilbo" as in Bilbo Baggins, but this one had NOTHING to do with Lord of the Rings. WHAT????? (Now, thankfully, those parental controls appear to have blocked the actual content, but that didn't mean she couldn't type it in and search for it!)

Thank goodness I found this early in the day while said-child was in school or I might have strung her up by her toe nails right there and then. Fortunately for her, I had plenty of time to calm down and plan my strategy for the coming discussion.

That night, when she got home from school, I sent her sister outside to play, and then sat her down with the "we need to talk" introductory statement. I asked her if she knew that I still got reports of her online activity when she is on the internet. Holy cow, I don't think I've ever seen her face that white or her eyes that big.

Of course, she immediately knew what I was talking about. We discussed the fact that this material was not only not appropriate for someone her age, but how looking up things like that on the internet can lead to a great deal of misunderstanding and misinterpretation. Just because information is posted on the internet, doesn't mean it's correct. As we talked further, I found out by probing a bit that the words she was searching for were things she had heard kids talking about at school, and she just wanted to know what they were or what they meant. OK, I can understand that. I knew how it feels to be that kid at school who doesn't get it when the other kids are talking about "stuff". So I told her she could ask me any question about anything, and I would always answer her honestly. I would tell her what things meant, but that didn't mean I thought it was appropriate conversation material and CERTAINLY didn't condone her actually trying any of those things.

Amazingly, this and a few more questions led into a conversation so frank, I couldn't believe afterward that I'd actually been talking to my 12-year-old about topics like this. Again, I won't go into detail (because this is a family show, after all!) but use your imagination and think about the things kids used to talk about in middle school...you'll figure it out.

We talked for about an hour, and when we were done, I think we both felt much better. I also told her that next time she has questions, she needs to come to me. I said I would always tell her the truth and give her the right information. (I really hope she listened and takes me up on it.)

Overall, I felt pretty good about the way I handled it. She understood that I wasn't happy with what she did, but hopefully, I also opened a line of communication with her. There was no yelling, no crying, no screaming, just talking openly and honestly. Whew!

I'm glad it turned out like this, but I just was NOT prepared for this to happen yet. Were we that aware of these things at 12 or is "that age" just coming on earlier now days? I'm not sure.